Archives Why I Will Not Be the Next President
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| Why I Will Not Be the Next President |
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| Written by Jim Marcus | |
| Monday, 14 May 2007 | |
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I am the first one with my hand up explaining why I, Jim Marcus, would make a terrible president of the United States of America. Let's face it, there's an army duffel bag full of good solid reasons why you should not vote for me in 2008. First of all, I have difficulty balancing my own checkbook, so I would have to really "hire up" as they say to find an effective money guy. I've identified the problem as rampant over tipping, which I can defend thusly:
Reason 1. I have not yet declared my intention to run. It's still fairly early in 2007. To run a successful bid for the presidency, you have to abandon all hope of performing your day job to any degree of efficacy and start campaigning for people to vote for you 15 months from now. I don't even know what gender I'll be 15 months from now. Who needs 15 months to decide how to vote? More importantly, how do these people pull a paycheck for the 15 months they are doing nothing but kissing babies and lying to people strategically? This leads us to Reason number 2.Reason 2. I did not inherit 100 million dollars.How do you ride the campaign trail for so long without doing your job? Don't some of you work in the Senate and stuff? I know none of you are in IT. How about you, president guy? Are we paying for the 1.5 years out of your presidency that you will spend convincing us that you deserve the job again? Have you filed your TPS reports? Is the "My Pet Goat" book report finished yet? You can't do this unless you were born with a silver spoon running almost all the way to your colon. Or, of course, unless you engage Reason number 3. Reason 3. I do not have wealthy white Protestant landowning corporate friends who need favors.My friends come to me with favors like, "Can you get the kink out of my butt" or "I need to talk about my boyfriend" or "Can you help me design my record cover". It's rare that any of them come to me and say, "Jim. I need to obliterate an endangered species to build an entry level production machinery plant. Can I get a hand here?" This is bigger than a butt rub and it may be a sign that I'm not truly presidential that I don't have these kinds of friends. I do like giving butt rubs, though. No money in it. Reason 4. I am one of those AtheistsIn a Newsweek Poll, a whole bunch of Americans willing to actually answer the phone and talk when Newsweek called said they believed in God by a ratio of 92 to 6 with only 2 percent answering "I don't know." All well and good. Unfortunately, only 37 percent said they'd be willing to vote for an atheist for president. This is significantly down from 49 percent in a 1999 Gallup poll - which also found that more Americans would vote for a homosexual than an atheist. September 11th did something remarkable. It convinced people that, because a bunch of monotheists flew a plane into a building, it made more sense to vote for one. I know that's probably a pretty incendiary thing to say. See reason 10. Reason 5. Additionally, I am one of those BisexualsI suspect that we will have an openly gay president, a black president, and a president whose last name rhymes suggestively with an intimate body part before we have a bisexual one. And when president Flagina comes out as bisexual, they will find a reason to impeach him. I think this is because of the confusion around bisexuality. As many people think it's a lie as think it's a sin as think it's a transition to being gay. Of course it has nothing to do with my politics and I ask you, the voters, to ignore it. It's immediately relevant only when looking for a date. Which I am, by the way. Saturday. Reason 6. I had a life. Part 1. SexI have had sex in public, on video tape, in front of people, with multiple people and in other situations that, while fantastic and a lot of fun, would suggest to the electorate that I am unelectable for some reason. I would have to deny and defend myself and, since some of it's on tape, it would be an unconvincing and problematic denial process. Having a life is a huge drawback on the campaign trail. Even though there are tons of neat places to have sex on the campaign trail and I would personally consider it a sign of character if a president took the opportunity to get biblical with an S.O. on the Camp David coffee table. Reason 7. I had a life. Part 2. Writing/MusicI have written a lot of lyrics in my life. Some were awful. Some were actually not bad. About 98% of them would come back and haunt me. Asking people to defend things they said out of context decades ago is the ongoing pastime of journalists who can't seem to focus on the issues. It's our fault. We buy the magazines. This is another reason not to focus on silly misstatements made by a president unwittingly while very real civil liberties are being abused by him wittingly. Microsoft Word claims that "wittingly" is a word, even though I have never personally used it before. Reason 8. I had a life. Part 3. I tried X onceI don't really do drugs. But I did try ecstasy once. It made me want to have sex with random people. I confess that this wasn't a new feeling for me. Yes, I was worried about my spinal fluid, but that wasn't the reason I never did it again. (the spinal fluid thing is a myth.) The real reason is that bottled water is expensive. The idea that unrepentant drug use will preclude you from taking the presidency is interesting. You have to repent. Be sorry. And then fail to inhale. Reason 9. I am part JewishMy father was Jewish. I know that this doesn't make me actually Jewish, but as you get older, you get closer to some traditions and the Jewish tradition is a powerful one. I was sitting Shiva once. This is what you do when you are Jewish and someone in your immediate family dies. Everyone gets together and stays in one house for a week. It's like a very somber reality TV show in Yiddish. My cousin Irwin came up to me while I was eating, making sure I didn't put meat and cheese on the same plate. I was a vegetarian and so I was a little confused. I assured him I wouldn't, but what I wanted to say was, "Dude. I am just exactly Jewish enough to know that. I know who Elie Weisel is, where a yarmulke goes and not to put a piece of cheese on the same plate as a roast beef sandwich. And that's it. That exhausts my Jewishicity and I go goy past that point, but, up 'til there, I am totally engaged." I didn't say that. I think I just nodded knowingly. Le esprit d' escalier. The point here is that we are likely a few years away from a Jewish - or even partly Jewish - president. The Antisemitism in our country may have gone underground for the most part, but let Lieberman win a presidential primary and we'll see what happens. Reason 10. I sometimes swear like Sarah Silverman's older sailor brother.
Jim Marcus is a singer/songwriter, director, photographer, writer, performance artist and social activist. And really, that list doesn't even touch the surface of all the things he's done or is doing. A founding member of the seminal Industrial band Die Warzau, Jim Marcus has worked with artists in all genres, from Björk to Revenge, Steel Pulse, Pansy Division, Machines of Loving Grace, George Clinton, KMFDM, Gravity Kills, Pigface, Little Louis, and more. Die Warzau's fifth album, "Supergangbang" is slated for release in Summer 2007. Mr. Marcus is also currently at work on his first solo release, entitled "Wonderland".
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