At the age when small children are thinking about their first day of school and how to ride a bike, Gwen Haworth (who was at the time a young boy named Steven) knew -- even in her childlike state -- that her gender identity was awry. Even at that oft-innocent age, her instincts were to keep those desires secret from everyone, something she kept to herself for more than two decades. “I’ve been aware of this since I was four,” admits Haworth. “That meant 23 years of keeping this secret hidden, 23 years of self-hate and internalized transphobia.” The frustration in her words are palpable, but the softness in her spirit resonates peace above and beyond all other emotions. Know this: this is no queer tragedy. In fact, Gwen Haworth’s story is inspiring and worth celebrating, one which comes complete with a happy ending. The ‘ending’ however is really just another beginning, coming in the form of a touching film entitled “She's A Boy I Knew - Gwen's d.i.y. feature transgender documentary.” Haworth’s first- and second-person account of her evolutionary journey pre – and post--transition is something that should be required viewing in every school, at every PFLAG meeting, heck, at every prenatal class out there. Haworth – now an East Vancouver-based dyke filmmaker – takes on a host of brave topics in front of the camera, asking difficult questions not just of herself, but also her parents, her siblings, her ex-wife (whom she married while identifying a man) and her dearest friends. The candor and bravery of her family results in both touching and deeply honest vignettes that will resonate in the minds of all who watch it.  

After witnessing Haworth’s documentary, celebrated Canadian director Anne Wheeler – of Better Than Chocolate and Bye Bye Blues fame – had many words of praise about Gwen’s film, including “The fact that you made this journey, and documented it 'enroute' amazes me. It is a genius piece of exploration and a tribute to love enduring beyond question.” Haworth admits to being extremely excited by such words, but states that she is still in the middle of her mission, a desire to finally see a loving, non-disparaging full-length documentary film about trans folk appear on the big screen. That moment happened when She’s A Boy I Knew debuted at the Vancouver International Film Festival on October 4th.  

As Haworth tells it, being trapped in the wrong body was incredibly difficult, but having no access to stories of successful transitions – either on film or in books – meant that the process of transitioning was far more difficult and confusing for her and her family than it needed to be. “When I came out, people important to me didn’t really know what it meant to be a transsexual. There were a lot of things to learn, yet there wasn’t anything out there to watch that we were aware of. There wasn’t anything that showed a family experience, to see other people like them going through the difficult questions but still being able to be there for each other through hard times. The suicide rate in the trans community is really high, and a large part of that is through isolation and depression because of not having those people to fall back on. I hope that by showing my family’s experience, that would give other people something to dialogue from.” Gwen’s raw documentation of the emotions around her are incredibly brave, but some of the most painful truths to many trans women are tough to document, but still very real. “We as trans women go through a lot of self hate. One of the things that a lot of trans women are struggling with is wanting to just blend in and forget all about it, not have to deal with all that inner crap that we are going through. In years gone by, especially in rural areas, if you were transitioning, it was often suggested that part of you succeeding at this was throwing away your past life. Throwing away your photos, going out and starting a new life in a new town, cutting off from everybody, which is so isolating.  With trans women, if it is you in a crowd, that is fine, but if there’s a few of you together, others may pick up on it. That can become a safety issue really quickly. So I think there is a fear of being part of a visibly queer community. What I see in the trans community is extremely disproportionate; I see a lot of trans guys, that are good friends of mine who have a community base. I think that trans women are more invisible.”

As a result, the award-winning filmmaker decided to make She’s A Boy I Knew her thesis project while finishing up her MFA at the University of British Columbia. The timing – begging filming mere months after her fourth surgery and legally-official transition from male to female – was a conscious decision on her part.  “If I had made it five years later, people would have forgotten a lot more, pain would have felt more distant, it wouldn’t have been truthful to the emotion of that time. I really wanted this film to be that resource tool that wasn’t there for any of us, and they understood that.” As a result of her determination, Haworth has succeeded on her mandate in spades; the film is a moving, oftentimes humorous and deeply brave documentation of her and her family’s evolution through Gwen’s transition. Watching it, however, reminds her both of the good and the tough moments through her transition. “I’m gifted with a bad memory,” she laughs. “I forget a lot of the pain that I was going through beforehand and definitely through that process; I knew I was experiencing it and it was pretty intense at times, but I don’t live with it now that I’ve been able to get past it all. I went through situational depression for about two years; I couldn’t see three feet in front of me. I didn’t know what was up in terms of my life outside of transitioning. My longterm relationship had just broken up, I was unemployed for one of the first times in my life since high school, I just felt like nothing was moving forward for me and I just had to focus on this transition and getting through it. It all amounted to a great deal of crying, fatigue and being unable to get out of bed. When I revisit it, it floods back and it is heavy, and I realize that it is so important to see these positive, uplifting images.”

Haworth’s film has been incredibly warmly embraced by the Canadian film community; after its debut at the Vancouver International Film Festival, fans and filmmakers alike praised her efforts, winning the People's Choice Award for Most Popular Canadian Film and also winning the Women in Film & Television Vancouver Artistic Merit Award, the first time that award has been given to a transsexual women. Haworth continues to work hard moving forward with the aim of getting it seen at every film festival and in every movie house interested in showing her work…but she is definitely taking pause to appreciate everything as it is unfolding. “So much of my life has been about this moment,” she declares, clearly moved. “All the hiding, the fear, the feeling that people wouldn’t accept me. I cried so much making this film, I gushed buckets and buckets. I’ve learned to love and appreciate these people so much more from hearing their words and learning more about them in the process.”

For more information on the film and to view the trailer, please visit the She's A Boy I Knew official website.

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Denise Sheppard (scribe at shaw dot ca) is a self-employed journalist/editor who likes long walks, candlelit dinners and writing for U.S and Canadian national mags and websites. Her fave topics are human rights-related pieces and entertainment journalism.